sigh

this time last year i was in Prague. 2008 exact same time i am organizing the memorial for my moms death. i can't believe how much can change in a year, hell everything can change in a second. my brother, sister and i spent yesterday with our family. first we went to the cemetery and then it was off to my moms place for tea and conversation. after our extended family left we headed out to the street fair up the block from my moms house. i remembered my mom didn't pick up the phone when i had called to tell her i arrived safely in europe. later i found out that she was with her sister at the annual street fair, the same one my siblings and i were attending a year later.

its still such a freak thought that on that day last year she was just hanging out with her sister not knowing that it was her last day on earth!!!! how crazy is that? why is it so hard for us to not get bogged down by the everyday nonsense? i don't know, i'm also guilty of forgetting that we are not immortal and that any second can be our last one. so everyday i'm going to remind myself that no matter what happens it is never as serious or final as death.

do you ever wonder?

life is so amazing, it truly shows you the way if you just stop trying to control the outcome and go about your business. A lot of answers were revealed to me today, some i didn't want to see but again it was shown to me as clear as day. i guess the energy that I've been wasting on a certain "project" has been exactly that, waste. it's like i already know the outcome but don't want to face the reality but aren't we all like that in some way? i guess some of us need constant reminders to wake us up from our fantasy. message heard loud and clear universe, thanks again!

hmmmm

sometimes they have to miss you to realize what you mean to them.

oh boy "they" strike again

my friend lori said that when a guy in his first sentence to you uses the word esoteric to describe his dogs name then he's a douche bag hipster. Truer words have never been spoken.

5 movies you must see

1. Big Trouble In Little China - Kurt Russell's kicking magical chinese villian ass.

2. Top Secret - Val Kilmer not yet fat and funny as hell.

3. Roadhouse - Patrick Swayze's hair alone steals every scene

4. Commando - one word, AHHNOLD

5. Lone Wolf McQuade - Chuck Norris, enough said.

well I've had.....

1987 somewhere in the catskills Frances Baby Houseman is pouting during her last dinner at the Kellerman resort. Here comes Johnny Castle to proclaim "Nobody puts baby in a corner" they proceed to dance to this wildly hit tune and in the end the poor guy gets the rich girl. During all of this my nephew is cracking up at the intensity of Johnny Castle's facial expressions. Being that I've seen this movie probably 20 times I never realized how funny it was. I mean seriously Johhny get over yourself, it's just dancing. Next time you happen to catch this movie on tbs watch his face when he dances alone in the last act. 

I explained to my 15 year old nephew that he was witnessing a pop culture phenomenon and that this movie "Dirty Dancing" (in case you hadn't guessed it yet) was a huge hit in the 80's. Although after 20 years the movie seems like a cheese festival it still teaches a good lesson, to never judge a book by it's cover. Patrick Swayze may have looked like a hoodlum but he sure can move like the dirty dancing fool that he is!

it's all good

Evolution, nature, anything tangible is the visible god a vessel containing the spiritual god, awareness, love, pain and understanding all that is physical. God is not a person, god is energy, a physical and spiritual chameleon. We have to respect both aspects of god. Without the energy that created physical god the spiritual god would not have a home. Without the spiritual god the physical god would be as inanimate as a rock. The amazing thing is that both gods come in different shapes, sizes, personalities, species etc. 

The spiritual god enhances the physical god in both a positive and negative way. You ever notice that you can meet the most beautiful person (positive physical) be it a man or woman but the minute they open their mouth and say something stupid they turn into the ugliest person you've ever met (spiritual negative)? This is what I mean by the spiritual god enhancing or sometimes not the physical god. The same theory can be reversed. Bottom line is that we need to find balance between the two. How do we do that? I don't know it's all very mysterious but it's something to think about.

it's easier said than done, I know.

When we are consumed with wanting something so bad it's always difficult to face the reality of not getting what we want. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. We all fall into this trap, there is always that one person that you think you can't live without but really is that any way to live your life? basing your happiness on someone else? Personally I think it's too much pressure on the other person. We put them on a pedestal and get disappointed when they fall forgetting that they are human after all. 

Why are we constantly letting others be the source of our happiness? Is it because we want approval and we don't have enough faith in ourselves? If you're constantly having to prove yourself to anyone then is that person really understanding what you're about? I'm a firm believer that being with someone should be effortless. No one should ever feel like an obligation to another human being. 

I know it's not always that black and white and I agree in some respects. Compromise is a huge part of being in a relationship whether it's a relationship based on love or friendship, but one should always think about what is being compromised. You can compromise on small trivial things but never compromise your beliefs and what makes you who you are. 

I think the universe has a way of protecting us by giving us what we need versus what we want. We are so arrogant in trying to control everything that sometimes we don't really see the important things in our lives and all the amazing people that already accept us for who we are and love us no matter what. We become so consumed by the everyday bull shit that we forget  it's all eventually going to be gone. So I say fuck it! create your own happiness in life and the next time you think you MUST have something or someone stop yourself, leave it up to fate and see what happens. 

silent conversations

one of my favorite forms of communication is not having to use words. A single look or gesture says all you need to say and the other person just gets it. It's hard enough getting your point across by using words so imagine when you don't need to utter a single syllable. To me that's the ultimate connection with another human being. 

all we know is the easy way out

when are people going to take responsibility for their own actions? I mean there has to be a point when you stop blaming everyone else for your own bull shit. I was watching a program today about gamblers. There was a woman who was a well respected lawyer that lost over 1 million dollars gambling. She stole from her clients to pay for the addiction. She finally went to rehab and is now ready for this? suing the gaming association for enabling her! Can you believe that shit? so it's the casinos fault that your stupid ass doesn't know when to stop? so let's pass a law that the dealers have to monitor the players? you know it only takes ONE idiot to ruin it for everyone. Same goes for parents who think the teacher at school is responsible for raising their kid and my all time favorite the lard ass that sues the fast food industry for making them fat!! It's great these days that there is a solution to almost every problem but that doesn't mean you should live your life expecting everyone else to fix the royal mess that you get yourself into. Take some responsibility people!! Look before you leap and I'm not saying with everything but with major decisions you make in life. 

Pot calling the kettle black

Why is it ok for the U.S. to have nuclear weapons yet the mention of uranium in Iran gets GW's itchy panties in a bunch? You can say that the Iranian president is a crazy fuck, I know I agree BUT have we forgotten what a total fuck up our own president is? I'm just saying how sometimes we are so quick to forget all of our own bullshit cause some how we have appointed ourselves the master of the universe (insert he-man theme). 

Even with the ridiculous war in Iraq, I mean come on just say we went to war for oil, I would have more respect for our govt if they were honest. I know I'm so naive but i don't care it's just the way I feel. Oh and I love all of these dumb ass celebrities that are always preaching that this war is about oil! well no shit ass hole If we don't have oil, how's your chauffeur gonna drive that huge fucking Escalade after you stumble out of  the latest club in L.A.? 

We want freedom for Iraq, hell how about a little freedom in the U.S. and what about helping some of our own country men in LA. and fixing our welfare system. I'm all for helping other nations BUT like an alcoholic, they first have to admit there is a problem and then they can be helped and I mean everyone must be on board in order for a project to succeed. 

So as far as I'm concerned we are way to arrogant to think that we can "bring peace" to the middle east. Those guys have been fighting way before GW was getting drunk at frat parties. Let's just get the hell out of there and worry about our own country!!

we're all sheep but some of us are black

I was raised in a non-practicing christian household. We only went to church on Easter and that's if we managed to wrangle the family to make it there on time. Mind you the sermons in our church are extremely lengthy and given in the oldest dialect of armenian that you would rather attend a class on how to watch water boil. Needless to say I always put up a fight when my mom made me go to church. Seriously, even when we had to go for the one year anniversary of my dad's death I was pissed. I didn't care to stand there for 2 hours so some guy can preach in a dialect i barley understood about some stories written by some men thousands of years ago. How was that relevant to my dad dying. He was an alcoholic that didn't take care of himself. His body was done, end of story. 

What kills me is that mom was not religious at all!! She once cursed out a priest during my little cousins christening, why you may ask? He told her that she wasn't allowed to light the candle favors we had made for the occasion. My mother wanted a reason and his reply was "because I said so!". Well the shit hit the fan then, my mom told him that he had no right to tell her what she could and could not do and that it was her money that built the church and appointed him to the post of preaching. I was secretly laughing on the inside with agreement. My mom was always telling it like it was no matter who the audience. She was a true Leo, strong, stubborn but a softy deep down.

About 6 months ago I attended a seminar with  Deepak Chopra. What a charlatan that guy is! Let me tell you if you have half a brain then you don't need to see Deepak (We had no idea he was going to be soooo terrible). I could have preached to you all the things he was saying. Be good to one another, Jesus is not the only prophet etc. My friend and I were incredulous at all the oohh's and ahhh's he was getting. Maybe they were oohhing and ahhhing at the glittery jacket and Kanye West glasses he had on cause it sure as hell wasn't because of what he was saying. Again we were proven right that religion or spirituality is an individual experience and all the big preachers that are raking in the dough are just catering to the lost sheep that don't bother to question anything. 

Anyway I can write a 20 page essay on the bullshit of religion but all of my friends that read this blog are the black sheep in the sea of white bbbaaaaaaalllshit. 

childhood memories

I remember the day we left Iran, the airport was packed with people, some were shouting, a lot of them crying a few people fainting, it was mayhem. The authorities were turning people away on that day, telling them to come back the following morning. Luckily my parents refused to go home and we literally ran on the tarmac to board our plane. The following day we received news that the Iranian airport had been bombed, if that is not fate then I don't know what is. 

We were living in Stockholm in a dorm room illegally with my mom's cousin . This was a difficult time for our family yet we managed to have some wonderful memories. My brother and I were small and as far as we were concerned we were on permanent vacation. Our daily routine was to just hang out with the parents, go to the shopping malls, ice skate and just generally do what typical 8 and 6 year olds do. There was one professor who was very kind to us, she knew we were there illegally but didn't report it to anyone due to her sympathy regarding our situation. In fact she would take us to the community pool for recreation. 

I will never forget those days, you see in Sweden before entering a community pool one must strip naked and shower. You can imagine my poor mothers horror when she realized her situation. We had never been exposed to nudity except our own. My painfully shy brother was so upset that he refused to change in front of everyone, so it was off to the bathroom for his quick change. I on the other hand just shrugged and went with the flow. That evening we ran home and told my dad all about it, he was hysterical with laughter cause we manag

ed to give him some serious details about what we saw. Another incident that still cracks me up to this day was my mothers second mistake. She had noticed that "Little Red Riding Hood" was on TV so she figured finally something for the kids to watch. Well it turns out that it was a performance art piece loosely based  on the story all performed in the nude!! so much for TV. You gotta love the Europeans, they are so open about nudity and sexuality, us Iranians? not so much.

I don't know how my parents did what they did, I don't think I could have dealt with all the pressures they faced at the time like money and just the overall anxiety of leaving everything and starting new. So here we were, a family of 4 in a foreign country, no knowledge of the language, barley any money, we just had our hopes of coming to America to keep us going

. 

1 year later and many more funny incidents, way too many to write about, we were on our way to the U.S. 

Fast forward 28 years later (seriously you didn't think I was going to write my life story here now did you?) My family was visiting recently and we were watching an Iranian movie named "The Color of Paradise". It was filmed in Tehran and the Northern region of Iran called Shomal a beautiful countryside with green lush fields and vibrant flowers. 

The movie brought back some intense childhood memories. My family would take trips to Shomal, I had forgotten how gorgeous Iran is. It's hard to remember the beautiful things when my last memory was of the soldiers on the streets, the curfews, the barrel of a tank facing our window, bullets flying by at night and all because of what? The peoples revolution, where the hell did that leave us? The ridiculous revolution set the Iranian people back a few centuries.

I do wish to go back to visit some of the wonderful places I've managed to recall but I'm afraid it's not going to be the same. I would rather not ruin the good memories of vacationing in the country, swimming in the Caspian sea and being care free.

sum sum summah time

Today was my first official day at the beach, every summer I look forward to this day. The smell of suntan lotion, waves crashing in the ocean and the brilliant sun shining with no cloudy interruptions.  The weather was exceptionally spectacular today, very hot and perfect for the beginnings of my base tan. Actually, being of middle eastern decent my base tan is the darkest most people get all summer, thanks mom and dad. 

The beach is neutral like Switzerland, holds no discrimination and accommodates all sorts of people. Young ones, old ones, strange ones, tattooed ones, kids, teenagers, very large men and the women who love them, surfers, swimmers, fishermen, shell collectors, the banana hammock, the beach shorts, hot daddies, hot mommies. I can spend all day at the beach watching the people go by.

Long Beach is usually broken down into groups. Friends with their beach chairs, parents with their kids accompanied with 5,000 toys, old timers with rainbow visors, all chit chatting with that unmistakable LAWNGISLAND accent. Then you have the annoying muscle heads with their gelled up hair, eyebrows arched to perfection and oh the hairless bodies that make them look like GIANT new born babies. Hmmm...what else, the volley ball players usually set up toward the board walk. By the way none of them look like Ice Man or Maverick, again blame it on the movies. The strangest crowd is the one UNDER the boardwalk, I don't get that, why go to the beach if you're gonna sit in the shade under the skanky board walk? I'm sure I missed all types of other people but I think you get the idea.

4pm -6pm is my favorite time of day at the beach, the crowds have dissipated, the sun is like a warm blanket and the breeze off of the ocean is a sweet lullaby. Ahhhh summer, I'm so glad you have finally arrived.

It never happens that way!

Just finished watching P.S. I love you. I know, I know so cheesy but give me a break I'm losing my mind here. Ok I admit it it's not the first time I've watched this wretched movie. I can't help it Gerard Butler is very nice eye candy. Anyway, it really pisses me off that the writer of this movie actually wants us to believe the horse shit he's managed to sell to the big studios. 19 year old girl away on a school trip abroad, lost in the most gorgeous field in Ireland. Lo and behold here comes the hottest most charming rocker Gerard Butler's character to help her find her way. They fall in love get married blah blah blah! Are you kidding me? I've been all over Europe and let me tell you that kind of shit never happens. I was currently in Nice laying on the beach minding my own business. Who approaches me and asks to sit next to me? A not so charming old dude, mind you the beach is practically empty. I looked him up and down and told him I wanted to be left alone! Oh well, my shit ass luck strikes again.

It's a TUMOR...well sort of

Sitting around in my living room bored silly. I'm on STD leave (Short term disability not sexually transmitted disease you perverts!) I'm proud to announce the birth of my 4lbs fibroid! Basically I had a c-section minus the pre-op love fest and the baby after. My std leave is for 6 weeks! apparently it takes forever for the uterus to heal. Thank god it's summer and I can go outside and work on my tan. 

My house has never been cleaner, today it was the kitchen, tomorrow will be the bedroom and so on and so forth. My friends have been amazing, checking in on me bringing me treats and some are even cooking for me!! Other than cleaning all I do is watch movies, read and catch up with friends. 

It's raining today so I have a hot date with my current book and a nap later on. I love sleeping when it's raining out. Good times.

Life and all of its sudden blows

About 8 months ago, i was vacationing with a very good friend in Munich. We were there for Oktoberfest. Our days were spent sightseeing and our evenings were filled with sausages (the food) and lots of beer. We spent 3 glorious days in Munich at the festival and headed off to our main destination Prague. After some delays at the airport, we finally arrived at our hotel 9pm Prague time. This is when the shit hit the fan. Hotel reception informed me that I had 3 messages from my sister. Of course I blamed the messages on my mother's paranoia regarding my safety etc. I called home immediately and that's when I had one of the most strange, unbelievable, calm, tearful conversations of my life. You see, my sister was telling me to take the next flight home cause our mother was in a terrible car accident and that she was in critical condition. Immediately I knew that she was dead, but couldn't bring myself to ask the question. 

I decided that there was no need to stay in the room all night and that we should take advantage of the city. You're probably wondering how insensitive, but trust me when you've been thrust into a made for TV movie you do weird shit. We went to a bar near the Charles bridge and I spent the evening crying into my beer wondering how the hell I was going to get on a 10 hour flight home not knowing for sure the fate of my mother. Thanks to some sound advice from my friend I decided that I needed to know for sure. So after a couple of beers it was back to the hotel and to the last phone call I would make that would change my life forever. My sister couldn't even speak when I asked her, it was my brother in-law that told me that indeed she had died. It was a normal Saturday night, she was going home from her sisters, a drive that she had driven a million times. I guess when your time is up there really isn't a damn thing you can do. A drunk driver hit her side of the car and that was the end of it. The really strange part is that same night in Munich I had an awful dream involving my mother and lots of blood. The one time my dreams were trying to tell me something, go figure.

Early morning flight to Paris, 10 hours later land in New York and the rest is a blur. So here I am 8 months later and still can't believe my mom is gone. She was my rock and the most amazing woman. I miss her terribly but know that I have to take it one day at a time.